“To begin is a great exertion; many things have contributed to break and daunt my once-elastic spirits. But not in my in-dwelling, never-dying flame whatever dark fears come across me, that flame’s unabated constancy will dive away the black vapors of the brain …” (Hal Porter’s The Tilted Cross)

I’ve been in my darkest nights, my darkest years, since I settled down here, in my own home… . I’d had a wonderful life, not it’s disappeared, in some ways that affects me! Its shadows had embodied me, though I got a crowd of bitters behind me in those days as I’d struggled from the nightmares. Then, in that world, I was wretched…
Therein was a fascinating agony… I recall it. I recall that there was pain; and I can feel the pain now! I’ve taken up my time with accusations against myself… how stupid I have been … then I blame myself for it is useless to pretend I’m blameless… I wish it weren’t I who came to awkwardness, I’ve sufferings enough, past, now, and possibly in prospect… but I walk on! I shall, I hope, let the matters rest there just let it be so! Let it pass… let the years pass! What’s to come will come, what’s done is done!
The night moved on, then I carefully drew the curtains and locked the doors. Yeah, the world was tired, my heart was tired, I was tired, and … not well! There was then silence, and the silence grew stronger…. Then I fell asleep and I must have slept so soundly till I heard a knock at the door … when I was too tired to have a visitor … it’s someone who’d told and promised me to come a long ago, offering me the lifelong commitment… that could possibly lead me to the hoped-for happiness??? I didn’t deny I once expected him and I felt hurt when he didn’t show up. I thought he just wanted to fool me around… I was so sure he did! Then I shortly forgot him and his offer.
I do believe anything, good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, happens in this world, was already determined by Allah… as He speaks to me and all of us, “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened to you,”. Late on that black, noiseless night I knelt down beside my bed, knocked at His door, and solemnly prayed, “Ye Allah, please do not give me a chance of marrying someone if I don’t have any at all, That’d be perfectly fine with me. Instead, would You allow me to be of a little value for my society,”
An instant later, he surprisingly came back when I stopped thinking of him or … any other guys! I welcomed him anyway, but without much enthusiasm for I’d be very cautious. This might be another misleading hope as before, awaiting proof he really meant what he came for.

“Were one responsible for every next move in life, and aware of the responsibility, there are corners one would never cross. One turns, one crosses, and accident defrauds one forever of a greater ecstacy or greater affliction…” (Hal Porter’s The Tilted Cross)
Yeah, I finally came to the path I am obliged to cross as it obliges anyone in this whole world- the one I’ve been escaping from all my life! Thus if the proof comes, and as the day breaks out and the sun starts shining, I shall cross it in the hope that it will lead me to a greater ecstasy! (31 October 1998)

To be continued…

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